A lazy person's guide to cleaning with minimal effort

Let’s be honest, you and I both know that cleaning is the enemy. It’s that annoying chore that never really ends, no matter how much effort you (half-heartedly) put into it. And here in Canada, where snow covers the dirt half the year, it feels almost unnecessary.

But alas, even the laziest among us have to clean sometimes. Don’t worry—this guide is full of simple, actionable tips (and a dash of humor) to help you keep your house “just clean enough” without breaking a sweat.

Why Cleaning Feels Like a Moose-Sized Task

1. Procrastination: Be honest, how many times have you said, “I’ll do it after this hockey game... or maybe the next?” Yeah, same.

2. Endless Tasks: Cleaning one thing always reveals ten more things you missed. Like when you wipe a countertop and suddenly realize the backsplash looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.

3. Overwhelming Mess: Ever walk into your living room and think, “How did I accidentally start a landfill in here?”

4. Seasonal Chaos: Muddy boots in the spring, salt stains in the winter, sand in the summer—Canada’s seasons seem like they’re actively conspiring against us.

   
   

But hey, we’re in this together, and I’ve got solutions that will help you sidestep (most of) these headaches.

The Lazy Person’s Guide to Bare Minimum Cleaning

Let’s keep this simple. Here’s what I’ve learned about maintaining a home while expending as little energy as possible:

1. The “Swipe-and-Forget” MethodGet a pack of disposable cleaning wipes and go to town on every surface that’s vaguely dirty. Counters? Swipe. Bathroom sink? Swipe. Problem solved in under two minutes. Bonus: It counts as cardio.

2. Basket BlitzTake a big basket, toss all your clutter into it, and hide it in a closet. Out of sight, out of mind. You can sort it out later (or never—I’m not judging).

3. Dishwashing HacksUse your dishwasher for everything. Plates, utensils, Tupperware lids, random mugs you forgot you owned—all of it. If it doesn’t fit, it probably doesn’t need to be cleaned anyway.

4. Robot HelpersIf you don’t own a robot vacuum yet, what are you even doing? Get one, name it something cute (mine’s called Moose), and let it take care of your floors while you nap.

5. The Magic of MultitaskingClean while you’re waiting for something. Scrub the sink while your coffee brews or wipe down the fridge shelves while your pizza reheats. It’s the ultimate lazy efficiency move.

6. Hire Professional Help for the Big StuffDon’t underestimate the joy of outsourcing. Can’t face the bathroom grime or the dust bunnies multiplying under your couch? Bring in a professional cleaner to handle the jobs you’ve been avoiding. It’s not just for special occasions—sometimes, it’s for sanity.

7. Focus on the EssentialsIf you’re super pressed for time (or motivation), clean only what people will see. Clear off the kitchen counter, fluff the couch pillows, and call it a day. No one’s checking under your bed.

8. Set a TimerGive yourself 10 minutes to clean. You’ll be amazed at how much you can accomplish when there’s a time limit—and once the timer’s up, you’re free to stop guilt-free.

   
   

Delegation is Key: Get Everyone to Help

Why do it all yourself when you can rope in your family, roommates, or even unsuspecting guests?

1. Trick Your Roommates or FamilyTurn chores into a game: “First one to clean the bathroom wins a donut!” (No one needs to know the donut doesn’t exist yet.)

2. Bribe the KidsPromise them extra maple syrup on their pancakes if they clean their rooms. It’s a win-win—they do the work, and you keep your hands clean (literally).

   
   

When to Call in the Pros: The Dirty Truth

Sometimes, no amount of laziness hacks can save you. Here’s when you should throw in the towel and call in the professionals:

1. Mold or Mildew MonstersIf you can see it, smell it, or feel existential dread about it, it’s time for the pros to step in. Let’s not mess around with health hazards.

2. Carpet CatastrophesSpilled poutine or Tim Hortons coffee on the carpet? A professional cleaner is your only hope.

3. Post-Party CleanupHad a party that got a little out of hand? Don’t lose friends over the mess. Hire someone to make it disappear while you recover from your social exhaustion.

4. Monthly Deep CleanTreat yourself to a fresh start every month. It’s like hitting the reset button on your home’s cleanliness without having to stress about doing it all yourself.

5. When You Just Don’t Feel Like ItNo judgment here. Sometimes, the best cleaning strategy is delegating the entire thing. Call a professional, relax with a coffee, and let someone else handle the chaos.

6. Selling or MovingIf you’re putting your house on the market or preparing for a move, a professional cleaning service is worth every penny. They’ll catch the spots you’d never even think of.

   
   

Embrace the Lazy But Cleanish Lifestyle

Listen, you’re not aiming for perfection here. You’re aiming for “good enough to not be embarrassed if someone pops by.” Cleaning doesn’t have to be a marathon or even a sprint; it can just be a casual stroll.

Celebrate the effort you did put in, even if it was minimal. And remember, if all else fails, light a candle and call it ambiance.

So, what are you waiting for? (Besides the next commercial break.) Let’s get cleaning—but, you know, the lazy way.